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I have a lot to say.

Pick a subject, bring it up, and I'll argue and ramble on until your eyes glaze over and your mind has long left the conversation. Challenge what I believe in and arguments will well up within me and I'll hold my ground or die trying.

I have a lot to say, and I'm not afraid to say it.

I recently joined a group at my church that gathers for fellowship and general merriment. They are good people and it's refreshing to no end to be surrounded by others who can offer encouragement from a shared worldview.

I know a lot about my worldview, so don't ask me about it unless you never want to hear the end of it.

Last Wednesday I found myself at our gathering place a half hour early and saw that some had already arrived so I headed inside. Apparently they got there early to have a prayer session for everyone who had laid out their troubles before the group. They asked me if I would like to join them.

Um, sure, yea, I guess, why not.

I followed them out of the room where we normally gather to a smaller one and everyone pulled up a chair to sit in a circle. I followed their lead, and bowed my head as the guy in charge opened us up in prayer and then pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.

On it was a list of different people from our group and their needs. He asked me to lead the prayer for one of the names on the list and their needs.

I was terrified--absolutely terrified.

My palms started to sweat, my legs and hands started to shake, and I could barely read what was written on the paper.

I had nothing to say.

I could feel my face displaying every color of red, and I tried to force my mind to come up with something of meaning, but there was nothing to say.

I sheepishly handed the paper to the person next to me and told them that I would like to pass for the day if I could. And then I sat there feeling like a little child while they asked God to provide for those in need in His way and in His time.

The philosophy of religion, you see, is easy to talk about. What harm is there in arguing about the validity of religious experience? It's abstract, though real, and doesn't require me to open up my soul and lay it bare before others.

Prayer doesn't allow for that. Prayer is the real thing. Real things terrify me and there are times when sarcasm won't do a damn thing to save me from having to face them.

I have a lot to say, but God has a way of humbling a man.

A man that is really a terrified little child.

So if you'll excuse me I have some growing up to do.

Amateur Video Hour

These are two videos I made almost three years ago. The first is to Johnny Cash's cover of a Nine Inch Nails song. There are several different themes I tried to tie to the song. A couple of those are man's mortality regardless of social status and fame; how the pleasures of this world are empty when viewed as ends in and of themselves; the source of evil; the supposed silence of God in a world of evil; and finally the way to the land of beginning again.

The second video is just my attempt to add an extra oomph to the power of speeches given by Ravi Zacharias. I came across someone who compiled excerpts from his speeches and put it to music and found it rather moving, so I decided to attempt to add a visual touch as well. You might have a hard time seeing the first couple seconds if you have an older monitor. There are also a couple errors in my transcription. If I became an atheist I'd still listen to Ravi Zacharias speak for aesthetic reasons alone.