Rabid Monkeys For Congress!

I think I have a solution to fixing our problems with a runaway Congress. Replace them with rabid monkeys. All of them. Not only would this make watching C-Span absolutely awesome, but we wouldn't have to worry about losing our voice to a small group of people tossing away our freedom and money for the sake of personal gain.

I know, I know. How is this going to work you might ask. It's simple, really.

The next time an election rolls around everyone will vote for rabid monkeys to fill the seats. The Constitution doesn't say anything about monkeys not being allowed to be part of the House or Senate. It only says persons, and monkeys are people too, dammit. You've seen them dance while wearing those cool fez hats. It's totally rad. Therefore, they're people. Period.

Of course to fill the House you have to be at least 25 years of age and for Senate you need to be 30, but that is according to the human lifespan. Monkeys would be long dead before that, and you can't discriminate according to lifespan--or rabies. (That's just wrong. There should be a hate crime law or something against that.) So if the average human lives to be 80 and if the average monkey lives to be 25 then a monkey must be at least eight years old for the House or ten for the Senate (I rounded up just for good measure).

When it comes to bringing up new bills we shall give each monkey a typewriter. According to the infinite monkey theorem a monkey pounding away at a typewriter will eventually produce any randomly selected text so it's probabilistically certain that actual legible bills will be produced. Even if the theorem turns out to be false then the nonsense produced will be infinitely better than the current bills being debated. Every night the rabid monkeys shall bang away at the keys screaming like mad monkeys ('cause they're rabid and stuff) and the results will be posted online.

If enough people like the bill then it can be voted on by sending in bananas labeled with "aye" and "nay." The bananas will then be sorted by computer according to vote and district and placed into piles respectively. The rabid monkey representative will then choose the pile of bananas that is larger and the bill would be given to the president to sign if it passes.

Of course there is also the issue of how rabid monkeys are to deal with other nations, treason, and whatnot, but in that case we just send the party in question the rabid monkeys themselves, and after several hours alone no one will dare to mess with us again. Rabid monkeys are the ultimate negotiating tool, as you always get your way. Other nations will be sending us gifts in fear of having personal visits from Congress show up at their door to talk things out.

I think that about sums everything up and should solve all of our problems. And even if it doesn't could it make things any worse? Could it? No, I didn't think so.

Unless Congress escaped into the streets or something--but that's what our guns are for.