Of Cats & Men

[I wrote this months ago, but I like it so I'm revisiting it. Talli is alive and well.]

I have a cat. Her name is Metallicat, a portmanteau of “Metallica” and “cat.” I normally hate cats, but this one grew on me for whatever reason. Maybe that would be true of all cats, but Talli (that's her shortened name) seems to be different than other felines, almost dog-like in many ways, but still the stuck up “it's on my terms"/“I own you” attitude that most cats possess and carry with them--and she carries it well.

Two days ago I awoke to find her on the patio resembling a creature from a Japanese horror film. Her lower jaw seemed to be missing, her tongue was hanging out, and there was blood pouring out of her mouth onto the tile below. The part that I can't shake from my mind was how absolutely pathetic she looked. One eye half sealed shut from the blood, she had her head dropped towards the floor, with her one untarnished eye gazing up at me with this look that seemed to cry, “please, Chris, help me.” I died inside and upon closer inspection her jaw was still there, but it had been ripped from the side of her skull and was hanging off. She had no idea what she looked like, but it made me want to throw up all over myself. I don't know if it was the sight of blood, or just that it was my cat that bled there before me. Either way, I wish I didn't eat those four donuts before bed.

A human would have wiped the flood of red that was gushing from their mouth aside or spit it out on the ground, but Talli just sat there and let it flow. It was disturbing and in many ways surreal. She was ignorant, but at the same time she knew something was wrong. I could see it in her eyes, and they continued to scream for help. I can't help but think that this is how we look in front of God. We dress up in our pretty clothes and superficial smiles, but God sees through our facade and observes us as the bloody, broken, battered, and bruised creatures that we are. He knows we need help, and I think we all do as well. And so we foolishly turn towards religion, rituals, self-actualization, government, fame, success, drugs and everything else on this endless but ultimately empty list. Sin wrecks havoc on the world as we are oblivious and ignorant of most of its effects and existence. When we turn to God He sees us for what we are and the absolute devastation to our mind, bodies, and soul shows through. I doubt we will ever realize the devastation that God, and only God, offers to save us from. Talli never will as well.

My mind raced as I took in the sad state of affairs. What could have caused this to her? I assumed it was an animal, but the trauma seemed to be concentrated on her face and there appeared to be no bite marks, scratches, or signs of a fight. If it was an animal then she probably wouldn't be sitting on my porch but off dead or dying with half of her face missing and her body fractured into pieces. The worst part was the gagging sounds she would make as she coughed and choked up her own blood. Perhaps if she would have just spit it out or wiped it from her mouth she could have breathed comfortably, but no, like us, she didn't know any better and kept trying to swallow and breathe through her injuries. I assumed it was a car that hit her, and she was rushed off to the vet.

My aunt was with me, and she had placed her into a laundry basket, covered it with a towel, and was holding her in as I drove. Talli wanted out, but my aunt held her down despite her cries. It wasn't safe for her to be leaping about, but Talli had no idea. She was probably in extreme pain and terrified at the same time, but it was for her best. If I came across a wild non-game animal in the woods that had become entangled in a hunter's trap I might have to tranquilize it so that it would neither harm me or itself further. The dart would pierce the animals skin, and the creature would feel pain and fear. "Why was this happening? How can this person be good when they are shooting me?" Then I might come close and have to tighten the trap around its leg some more so the mechanism could finally release like a Chinese finger trap. Once again, from the animal's perspective: why? "This person cannot possible be good, they have only come to cause me more pain." Yet, then the trap would release and they would be free. Might this not be true of God and suffering? The Bible promises that while evil, pain, and suffering exist, they are there for an ultimate good. We look at the world and attempt to rationalize what is occurring, but the pain only continues, grows worse, and then sometimes subsides, but we will not always see the logical connection of how through the pain, salvation came. We lack God's transcendent vantage point, and like Talli trapped in this plastic cage wanting to get out, we fail to realize that it's for our own good.

When we reached the vet we rushed her in and handed her over to the doctor. They had me fill out some forms, and the receptionist called around town to make sure that I wasn't lying when I said she had received her shots required by law. Then she asked if Talli was spelled with an 'i' or 'y.' I told her it was with an 'i' but that Talli probably wouldn't know the difference. Everyone in the waiting room laughed and I wondered if I'd ever come to a point in my life where I wouldn't have to crack jokes. Probably not. A few minutes later the doctor called us into her office and we talked about her injuries. She was going to be fine, but she might need surgery. If so, it was going to be expensive and I thought about making a joke but I forced myself not to. Talli was brought into the doorway cleaned up and wrapped in a towel, I glanced at her quickly, but then put my back to her so I didn't have to look again--cue the jokes.

I thought about putting Talli down or just telling them I couldn't afford surgery, but the doctor couldn't tell me the specifics without further examination so I gave them a deposit and we left. That evening when I was showering for work I weighed the idea of putting her down verses paying for surgery. She would also probably need more care later on down the road. The simple pragmatic answer would be to put her down. It was an option, but one that I couldn't choose. She still had half of her life left and I had a responsibility to her. The money wouldn't kill me, and I could do whatever needed to be done to pay the bill. I'd have to sacrifice a couple things but it was the right thing to do. I realized that the damn cat would never realize the cost of her injuries, but I don't think we'll ever see the cost of Christ dying on the cross for our own either. Some take the name of their Savior and mock it, use it as a swear word, or try to drive it out of the market place of ideas (because they have run out of ideas) while my cat pees on my bathroom rug. Stupid people, and stupid cat.

I received a call after surgery and the doctor said she was going to be fine and I could pick her up on Monday. Looking back now I'm not sure what caused her injury. It wasn't an animal and I really don't think it was a car. The wound was too localized and almost deliberate. It makes me think a neighbor threw something at her or took a bat to her head. If it's true I hope they get their skull crushed in and are left in a ditch to die over a period of days like the pathetic fuck that they are. Not the most Christian thing to say, but it's how I feel. And looking back on the mangled face of my cat I can't help but think of the pain and suffering I've caused to others on so many different levels. It's almost as if God was making me look into the face of sin itself. I guess it's hypocritical of me to get angry with whomever (if anyone) did that to Talli. I can't say I've smashed in the head of another creature, but I know I have it in me; and before God I probably already have. That ditch is there for all of us pathetic fucks to die in, but God can rescue us from it. The choice is ours, but only if we realize some things about our own limited knowledge and our relation to the God that sacrificed His life for us. Talli will never fully realize what happened to her or the condition she was in, nor will she ever really realize the extremely small and petty sacrifice I had to make for her. We're a small level above my cat in awareness, and though limited, we can grasp small portions of the larger picture, but we'll never grasp it all. I suggest you bring yourself before God as you are and I suggest you do it soon. The ditch isn't getting any further away, it's being dug by your own hands.